


When I Let Go

by Midnightminx90



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Canon, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Best Brjeaus, Empire Kids, Found Family, Memory Alteration, Memory Loss
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-31
Updated: 2020-02-10
Packaged: 2021-02-25 14:09:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22497394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Midnightminx90/pseuds/Midnightminx90
Summary: Beau acceptsSpoilers for ep 93
Relationships: Beauregard Lionett & Caleb Widogast, Beauregard Lionett & Nott, Beauregard Lionett & The Mighty Nein, Beauregard Lionett & Yasha, Caduceus Clay & Beauregard Lionett, Fjord & Beauregard Lionett, Jester Lavorre & Beauregard Lionett
Comments: 2
Kudos: 70





	1. Sweetheart, What Have You Dont To Us?

**Author's Note:**

> _So here we are  
>  Please unfold when I let go of your hand  
> Steady you have to stand on your own  
> You can't come with me this time_
> 
> _I need to run like the river  
>  Take me away, waves turn silver  
> I'm floating in the sky  
> I am the dragon eye and the fire  
> And I'll hold the earth and the stars above_  
> \- When I Let Go by Fay Wildhagen

Beau doesn’t know if it’s better or worse this way, but it’s already killing her in a thousand ways to leave them all behind, and so goodbyes are showed to the side as she grasps the outstretched hand of the hag.    
  
The creature in front of her smiles, and it’s a chilling thing that will haunt her forever, even years and years later, Beau thinks, such a smile that no one forgets, that will leave you screaming in the middle of the night.    
  
The hag’s fingers are long, too long, and they encompass her hand in such a way that Beau feels she’s being restrained by vines and that she’ll not be able to leave the grasp.   
  
Like the smile, the feeling of those fingers around her own will haunt her for the rest of her life.   
  
Beau holds the tears back as well as she can, she’s used to this, not crying in front of the others, but the visit with her family by blood, and the months spent with her found and chosen family have left her soft.   
  
A single tear slides down her cheek, splattering onto the floor the moment her body is no longer in the strange hut, and it’s the only physical proof she was ever in there.   
  
\--   
  
Beau opens her eyes, and finds herself on a road. Looking around, there is nothing familiar, no mountains that tells her where she is, and the cloudy sky blocks out any signs of the sun.    
  
“It’s okay,” she tells herself out loud and her voice sounds rough from the tears she’s still fighting back.   
  
Wait. Why is she fighting back tears? Why is she crying? And what’s okay? Beau frowns as she looks around. When did she get here, and how and when? Odd.    
  
“Probably got wasted again,” Beau says, then shrugs to herself. There’s a satchel at her side, and she opens it to find quite a bit of coin. Well, at least she’s not been robbed, so that’s something at least.    
  
A part of her tells her to follow the road to her right, but Beau’s never been a believer of fate, rather of the understanding that one always chooses one’s path in life, and the path waiting for her should therefore be of her own choosing as well.    
  
She turns left and begin walking, snacking on some bacon in her pocket as she walks.    
  
Hours later, there’s still no sign of any people or signposts telling her where she’s headed. No matter.    
Beau continues walking until fatigue fills her and she knows she needs to find shelter for the night.   
  
It’s easier said than done, but in the end she finds a toppled tree, roots exposed and covered in moss, offering at least a small amount of shelter. It’ll have to do.    
  
She digs through her satchel, finding a blanket. There’s no sleeping roll, but she had not expected there to be one. Additionally, she finds a bottle of her family’s wine. There’s not much left of it, but enough to keep her warm throughout the night.    
  
Beau huddles up on her blanket, hood of her cloak over her head as she sits, sipping the wine and trying to remember how she’d acquired it. In the end, she nods off, and her sleep is restless, but she doesn’t remember what she dreamt of, when she wakes up in the morning, neck stiff and dew clinging to her.   
  
She’s surrounded by the smell of wet earth, of the fresh scent of the morning as the sun’s barely beginning to crest the horizon. Beau shivers, wishes for a bonfire. She picks up the bottle again, as it’s slipped out of her grasp as she slept. There’s barely a sip left, and she finds her throat is parched.    
  
Checking her satchel again, she finds a water skin with a few sips left and half a pastry of some sort, too smashed up to be recognisable, but her stomach growls enough for her to eat it, as it’s better than nothing, and the remnants of the wine still seem to course through her.    
  
“Time to get moving,” Beau says aloud, for some reason needing to fill the silence.    
  
Around her, the world is waking up, birds chirping and critters moving through the undergrowth.    
  
Her stomach is not pleased with the lack of food, and Beau wishes she’d bothered to learn what’s edible or not, so that she could at least stave off her hunger for a little while, maybe even long enough to reach a place where she could buy some food and a place to sleep for the night.    
  
Beau’s neck is sore and her joints aches as she stretches; her body might be young and pliant, but the awkward position of sleeping did not agree with her. It also feels it’s not the first night she’s slept roughly, but she can’t remember the night prior and does not care to.    
  
She returns to the road, and begins the trek towards any sort of civilisation.    
  
\---   
  
Back in the mountains outside Kamordah, the hag exits her hut.   
  
She’s alone, Caleb notices, and too happy.   
  
“Where’s Beau?” Jester asks, and Fjord moves up to her, the same question burning in his eyes.   
  
“Gone, gone, gone,” the hag croons. “Gave you all up, she did, knowing the misery she would sow.”   
  
Caleb sees red, sees the colours of fire, can taste it in the air, and oh, how the rage burns through him like the fire that consumed his parents all those years ago. Damn her, damn Beau to the nine hells for leaving them like this, for giving herself up, for…   
  
“Caleb…” Nott’s hands is on his, and she still looks like a goblin, still looks like person he met so long ago in that cell.   
  
“The spell is lifted, the exchange of misery complete,” the hag says, and Caleb hears the glee in her rough voice.    
  
He wants to do nothing more than to burn her to a crisp, to watch her pay for what she’s done to Beau, to Nott. He doesn’t care about Beau’s so-called dad. He just wants her back.    
  
Tears run down his cheeks, and Caleb cannot remember the last time he cried. These tears are hot, burning with anger and there is so much of his anger that it spills over, and without making a conscious decision, flames burst out of some trees to their side.   
  
The hag is distracted, and Jester and Nott drag him away, their group making their way hastily back to where they came from.    
  
“How dare she?!” Caleb shouts, and the tears are falling, faster now, and it feels as though he is set himself on fire, because he is so hurt and so angry.    
  
None of the others speak, and somehow they make their way out of the woods and down the mountain. They are not followed, and no harpies appear to attack. Their horses are gone, hopefully not eaten, but too far away for them to call out for them.    
  
They walk as far as they’re able to, wounded in more ways than one.   
  
No one talks, but Jester cries and Nott drinks enough that she’s shambling by the time they make camp.    
  
Caleb takes a watch on his own, the first one, as everyone else falls asleep from exhaustion and emotions. His own are keeping him up.   
  
“Why would she do that?” he asks Frumpkin, and he has never wanted for his cat to be in his cat form as much as now. “She should have talked to us first, we would have found another solution.”    
  
Frumpkin only blinks up at him, his fey eyes glowing in the light of the fire. 

  
Then the part of his mind that is filled with dark thoughts and self hatred speaks up.   
  
_ You should not judge others so, you who have almost left so many times, with nothing to show for it. At least Beauregard saved Nott by doing so. And now your little friend can be returned to herself and go back to her family again. Was that not worth the sacrifice? _   
  
Caleb snarls, angry at himself, at Beau, at the fucking hag and the goblins responsible, and grabs Nott’s flask.    
  
The taste doesn’t register; all that matters is the burn of the alcohol down his throat, mirroring the burn of his self hatred flaring alive again. 


	2. Can't Go Back

Beau walks for what feels like forever.   
  
Still there are no signs of any humanoids. At first she finds she doesn’t mind, but in the end it strikes her as strange. She’s been walking for three days now, and Beau knows darkness isn’t far off. Surely someone takes this road? Travelers, traders, mercenaries. Someone.   
  
And yet she keeps pushing forward and forward still, hoping now for even a small building to take shelter in.    
  
Thunder breaks the silence, and only then does Beau realise she’s not heard chirping or other sounds of animals for a long while. The encroaching darkness and her exhausted mind and body means she’s not paid attention to the signs of the oncoming storm.   
  
Further and farther she walks, still no sign of life.    
  
The wind blows in her direction, hard enough that she needs to hold her hood in place, as the chill sneaks in beneath her clothes, making Beau shiver within seconds. Thankfully the rain hasn’t reached her yet, but she’s headed towards it, and all around her are open fields, not a single tree or sign of shelter in sight.   
  
Before long, the rain pummels down around her, and Beau is soaked within seconds.    
  
She can’t stop shivering, her restless nights and lack of sustenance catching up with her, the wind making it harder to walk forward. The longer she walks, the louder the thunder gets, and the more frequent the bolts of lighting appear.    
  
Just when Beau feels like she’s about to collapse, she sees lights from windows.    
  
The closer she gets, stumbling, using her staff to keep upright, the more lights and windows appear, until the flashes of lightning reveals a cluster of buildings.    
She staggers, closer and closer still, the last few feet of ground between her and the door to what appears to be an inn seemingly stretching on for miles.   
  
Beau opens the door, and her feet barely cross the threshold before she collapses on the floor. Before her eyes close, she sees worried faces and people approaching   
  
-   
  
When her eyes open, Beau is sweating, and it takes a while for her eyes to focus and for her brain to comprehend that she’s in a bed. All around her is silence, until she moves her hand to throw the covers to the side.   
  
“Oh, you’re awake! I’ll fetch the cleric,” a voice comes from off to the side.    
  
Beau doesn’t have time to react before the person is through the door and she’s left to her own devices. It takes what little strength she has to flip the covers to the side to cool down, and it leaves her fatigued enough that her arm begins shaking. There’s a wet cloth on her forehead, damp with her sweat but she leaves it be.    
  
While she waits for the unknown person to return with a cleric, Beau tries to figure out just how she got here. Outside, she can hear birds chirping, and some sunlight filters in through the curtains. She remembers walking, and then…   
  
Right. A storm. No shelter in sight until she got here. Wherever it is  _ here _ is. She’ll ask when the cleric arrives.   
  
She just needs to rest. Just for a little bit...   
  
  
\---   
  
Fjord watches as Jester folds her hands and bends her head as she casts Sending.    
  
Her words don’t register in his mind, but the tone of her voice does, and Fjord doesn’t know what he feels. The loss feels… almost familiar, at this point. He never knew his parents, was left by Vandran, and now Beau, someone he sees as a sister has left him too.   
  
It’s a lot to comprehend, and Fjord knows it will take him time to even begin to process it.    
  
He’d thought Nott would leave when she got her original form back, so she could go back to be with her family, and because of that, Fjord had started to prepare himself for the inevitability.    
  
But Beau leaving? And in such a way, with no explanation of any sort, or any form of goodbye?   
  
That hurts more than Fjord can ever put into words.   
  
His thoughts goes to Molly, and how they never got to say goodbye to him either. That one night they made camp, and then next time they were reunited, they were one member short, though they had gained a new member as well.   
  
Beau is still alive, he knows that, he does, because he understands the hag well enough to know that if Beau had given up her life in the normal sense, they would have seen her lifeless body.   
  
Knowing that she’s out there, somewhere? That’s a whole other thing.    
  
Fjord thinks Isharnai and Lorenzo would have been good at working together, causing misery in their own unique ways and cooperating to cause even more.    
  
It’s odd, how they didn’t really know Molly that long, in the grand scope of things, and yet he’s left lasting impacts on all of them. But Beau? She’s like a sister to him, someone who’s abrasive and who pushes and gets under your skin.    
  
He hates that it’s taken him this long to truly  _ feel _ it, even though he’s known for months now that this whole group is his family.    
  
Beau might not have spoken it out loud until they left her father’s house, but Fjord knows she’s felt this way for a long time. He just never knew she cared so much for them that she would willingly give them up in order for Nott to be free of her curse and returned to her husband and son   
  
In Fjord’s eyes, it’s not an equal exchange, and he’s sure that’s exactly why the hag accepted and made a deal.    
  
He doesn’t care about Beau’s dad and his thoughts on all of it, because it’s clear Thuron doesn’t care about his daughter. Beau’s mother? Maybe; Fjord’s unsure. He wonders what TJ thinks, learning he has an older sister only to have her disappear again. The kid’ll probably forget her before long; he’s young enough for that.    
  
No, Fjord cares for their combined found family, and for Dairon and whoever else in the Cobalt Soul who cares for Beau.    
  
Jester’s voice breaks him out of his thoughts.   
  
“It didn’t work.” 


End file.
